Author Topic: Joke Thread  (Read 13539 times)

jim brenholts

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #20 on: January 22, 2009, 03:57:22 PM »
a little boy got a bicycle for Christmas and he was riding it down the street. he happened upon a police officer on a horse. the cop stopped and asked, "did santa give you that bike?"
"yessir!" replied the lad.
"well, next time you see santa tell him that he forgot the reflectors and the policeman will have to give you a ticket next time."
"did santa give you that horse?" asked the lad in return.
the cop, playing along, responded, "why, yes, he did."
"well next time you see him tell him that the dick goes under the horse not on top!"
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APK

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #21 on: January 22, 2009, 04:01:34 PM »
 ;D
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jim brenholts

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #22 on: January 22, 2009, 06:35:40 PM »
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.
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jim brenholts

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #23 on: January 23, 2009, 03:53:15 PM »
a blonde was watching the news with her husband when a story came on about 2 brazilian men killed in a skydiving accident. she gasped and began crying loudly. "oh my God! how tragic!"
her husband responded that skydiving was a dangerous activity and the men knew the risks. she began to calm down some and looked at him with a puzzled expression and asked, "how much is a brazillion?"
 ;) :D ;D :o ::)  8)
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Wayne Higgins

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #24 on: February 02, 2009, 03:26:47 PM »
I got this off the Kawasaki Riders board.  It's probably circulating around everywhere.

MAKE SURE TO READ MOM'S REPLY TO THE TEACHER BELOW THE PICTURE



Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told Sarah how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had. Then I found one more in the back room, and several people were fighting over who would get it. Sarah's picture does NOT show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith
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jim brenholts

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #25 on: February 02, 2009, 03:51:42 PM »
fucking hilarious!
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SunDummy

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #26 on: February 02, 2009, 04:30:32 PM »
I wish I was a Glowworm; a Glowworm's never glum. 'Cause how can you be grumpy, when the sun shines out your bum?

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SunDummy

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #27 on: February 24, 2009, 04:19:32 PM »
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the
Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that
the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them,
but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his
colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio
thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more
than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to
arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.


The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she
dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned
to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the
King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours,
would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the
saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.


The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick
worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The
Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio
demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now
satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio
could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.


The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.


The moral of the story............


Pay your bills.
I wish I was a Glowworm; a Glowworm's never glum. 'Cause how can you be grumpy, when the sun shines out your bum?

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Seren

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #28 on: March 02, 2009, 09:45:17 AM »
Found on another forum, but well worth the snorts into the tea cup at work....

This, I am assured, is the text of a genuine HMRC letter:

"Dear Mr X,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and ****ant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself.

The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking fašade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins"on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,



HJL
Customer Relations" 
 
 

jim brenholts

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #29 on: March 23, 2009, 05:42:20 PM »
a young man was at a singles bar and struck up a conversation with an attractive but somewhat older woman. he guessed her to be about 60. their subsequent conversation and flirting confirmed this. the young man allowed his mind to wander and he speculated that she might have a gorgeous daughter.
as the night wore on and copious amounts of liquor were consumed, the woman got a tad randy and asked the young man if he had ever participated in a "businessman's special." the man did not know what that was and asked her.
"it is a threesome with a mother and daughter." the young man replied that he had not but would love to try it. the lady told him it was his lucky day and invited him to her house.
when they got there, she opened the door and kissed the young man passionately. she then called out, "mom! are you still awake?"
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Seren

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #30 on: March 24, 2009, 03:19:49 PM »
It's good to have a good hearty splutter every now and then  ;D ;D

jim brenholts

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #31 on: May 06, 2009, 05:49:46 PM »
why did the siamese twins move to england?
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jim brenholts

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #32 on: May 06, 2009, 05:53:51 PM »
a very proper lady went to see her doctor about a very embarrassing problem.
"you see, doctor," she stated. "i have this problem with (in a whisper) silent gas. in fact, you have probably not even noticed that i have passed gas three times since my appointment began. it is terribly shameful."
"i see," the doctor replied.
he began to write some notes and looking in medical texts.
"what are you going to do?" she asked.
"get you fitted for a hearing aid first."
all the best and God bless
jim
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jim brenholts

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #33 on: May 06, 2009, 05:54:23 PM »
why did the siamese twins move to england?
so the other one could drive.
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jim
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SunDummy

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #34 on: May 15, 2009, 08:27:29 PM »

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.. "Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood. Then he stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
I wish I was a Glowworm; a Glowworm's never glum. 'Cause how can you be grumpy, when the sun shines out your bum?

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SunDummy

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #35 on: May 22, 2009, 10:02:12 AM »
A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his
nuts...something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing
that?'

'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'
I wish I was a Glowworm; a Glowworm's never glum. 'Cause how can you be grumpy, when the sun shines out your bum?

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APK

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #36 on: October 08, 2009, 09:18:01 AM »
The band went out partying after the show... suddenly, the accordion player realized he forgot to lock his car.
 
He drunkenly stumbled out into the parking lot, but it was too late.....
 


Somebody had left another accordion in his car.
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jim brenholts

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #37 on: October 09, 2009, 07:49:24 AM »
i locked my keys in my car the other day. it took me an hour to get back in. it would have taken forever if the windows had been closed.
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Wayne Higgins

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #38 on: October 28, 2009, 06:59:18 AM »
There's a retired woman, friend of the family, used to work with my wife, who sends me the funniest e-mails.

Here's a good example

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.  "Magic Beer," he says.  She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"  "Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.  The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."  He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.  She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."  She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.  The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
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Wayne Higgins

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #39 on: January 26, 2010, 09:16:45 AM »
Another from the woman mentioned above...

The economy is so bad that:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.  Oh Great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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