Dear Ann Landers...

[drone on]

Hi, I have a situation I was hoping to get some opinions on, without having to write to a newspaper column (haha).  Here is my situation:

I have a female cousin who I barely knew growing up (they live far away) and would only see every four or five years.  I had never had any problems or "incidents" with this cousin.  15 years ago, when my grandmother died, we both attended the funeral.  She was very unfriendly and downright rude during the funeral trip and I couldn't figure out what her problem was.  I had no contact with her after that.  Ten years later, when my father died, we (my mother and I) never received any condolence card, email, or phone call from her.  Her mother (my aunt) was with us, however, as was another male cousin.  This was very hurtful to me, not necessarily just to me, but I was upset that not even my mother heard anything.  After that it was clear she was not a true "family member."  Several years later, my aunt sent me a wedding invitation for this cousin, and I declined, and explained my reasons to my aunt.  I made it clear I was not happy with the cousin's behavior in the past. 

This year, I requested my aunt discontinue mailing me X-mas presents.  Instead, I requested she make a donation to charity in my name.  She did this; however, the organization she chose was run and co-founded by this cousin!  A couple weeks after X-mas I received a form letter, hand-signed by the cousin and hand-addressed to me, thanking me for the donation in my name.  There was no personal note or acknowledgement of my existence as her cousin. 

I was not happy my aunt chose this organization knowing my feelings about her daughter, and wasn't happy getting the "form letter" on top of that. 

Am I making too big a deal about this or do I have a right to be upset/offended?       

[hdibrell]

Let it go. I think we all have family members that we have problems with. I prefer to concentrate on the ones I do care about. Making any kind of big deal about a family member has a way of getting blown out of proportion if you pursue it. Life's too short. Just my $.02.

[APK]

Yep, seems reasonable to be a bit upset by this ... but that's the way it is with those people and it's probably not going to change is it, so unless you want to remain upset (and thereby lose twice) I think it's best to follow Harry's advice, and move on.

[chris23]

Yep, seems reasonable to be a bit upset by this ... but that's the way it is with those people and it's probably not going to change is it, so unless you want to remain upset (and thereby lose twice) I think it's best to follow Harry's advice, and move on.

/agree

[Paul Vnuk (Ma Ja Le)]

Yep, I echo everyone's advice here. The only person who is getting hurt by all of this is most likely you. If you feel any anxiety, anger, unrest, hatred and so on, these are all emotions that are weighing on you and you alone, your cousin most likely does not care. So the best thing for you is not to hold on to them. In fact I would advise the oposite, try being nice to them, loving them as a cousin and let it go at that.

Life is too short to hold grudges, hang on to hurt feelings and stay angry with some one for any reason really.

Paul

[drone on]

Yes, the cousin does not care.  That's the point, really.  ;) 

[| broken harbour |]

You would be surprised how many people are not self-aware, and have no clue how their actions, etc affect others.  It's quite possible this cousin has no idea they've upset you.  Maybe?

Also I echo the sentiments of everyone else, move on, don't worry about it, life is too short.

[phobos]

There is an old saying, "You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family"
Don't give them a second thought, like everyone has said, move on and just worry about the ones you care about.

[drone on]

Thanks for all the advice and comments.  I have heard that one (you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family).  Actually the issue with this cousin would be a non-issue except for my aunt choosing to dredge things up again by donating in my name to her daughter's charity organization.  My aunt had a host of countless other charities (which I had in mind) like American Cancer Society or a food bank.  I guess this just bugged me really because I had already declined my aunt's invitation to attend the cousin's wedding a few years ago and let her know how I felt about the cousin.  The aunt should have respected my feelings and not linked me up in any way with this person (cousin) who I have nothing with in terms of a relationship and don't care to hear from or about, end of story.  It's just very stupid, silly and "Seinfeld-esque."